Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Mea Culpa In A Hair Shirt

I've been hesitant to say it in case I crash again but I've been feeling better for two whole weeks now. And I haven't felt this consistently well since the end of August last year.

A trip back to the doctors last week saw him pleased with my progress and he doesn't want to see me unless I get poorly again. He has advised me to 'grade my activity' i.e. slowly build back up to my normal level of activity.

Ha ha- Dad goes to India at the weekend, my cast comes off on Monday, the same day I start back at university, and I have nothing else in place to give me any extra help with Sam...so it looks like I will be hurling myself back in the deep end...or will I?

The silver lining of this extreme fatigue and constant bouts of flu-type illness-yes, really, there is a silver lining- is that I have had a chance to stop and consider my priorities and also realise that I am very lucky to have all the support and opportunities that I do.

I lifted the lid on some more baggage that I have been hefting around and regularly bashing myself over the head with (think smashing your brain in regularly with a bag containing a bowling ball). I have now started to forgive myself for some stuff which I have not been able to even really think about until now. But it's taken years to understand that what left my world in tatters and my heart completely broken was not all my fault, and I am not a failure because of it.

The past is always a bad bet for dwelling in and on...it leads to a brick wall...I have blamed myself entirely. I've lived "Mea Culpa" in a hair shirt and it's time to give myself a break.

So I have and I am. And life is much better and moving on as a result.

Now I am in a strange limbo where I am hoping that I am one of the lucky people that are diagnosed with post viral fatigue syndrome and get well quickly. Only time will tell.

I have been writing my own personal "New rules for living manual" and making some changes. Less than a week til the plaster cast comes off and I can get going again but slow and steady wins the race...

Love, Love, Love xxx

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like you're getting through very well! good for you Lucy. Be kind to yourself x