Sunday, 17 April 2011

All We Ever Wanted (Was Everything)

It has been a challenging week for all kinds of reasons. So I was glad to see the beautiful golden-washed moon this evening. All these things shall pass...

I am very greedy and want everything- mostly I want what is not possible and once again travel the circle of wishing in vain, feeling disappointed, frustrated, sad, blaming myself, realising it isn't my fault, accepting what is, letting go...

What I want most is for Sam to be happy and for us to have a home, a family life and a support network. We have some of of this...we do not have some of this...

I am playing the long game.

Love and a Bauhaus tune

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Cybele - the orginal Mother

What you might not know about 'Mothers' / Mother's Day' is that, like other seasonal family celebrations it has its roots in Christianity - actually it doesn't - it's roots are far older than that.

Orginally it was the Roman festival of Hilaria, a celebration of the Goddess Cybele, which may explain April Fools Day...? I kid you not....

The Christian Church appropriated this Pagan festival, as they did with so many others... Easter (Eostre), Christmas, Candlemas etc etc...

Christians, up until the early part of the twentieth century would gather at their 'Mother' church on 'Mothering Sunday' to acknowledge the Virgin Mary and celebrate the Church in general, on the fourth sunday of Lent.

So, if like me, as a single mother, with no mother to make a fuss of, and noone to make a fuss of you, you feel a bit narked by yet another occasion where you feel you don't fit into the stereotype... of the family who brings gifts of flowers and treats and takes Mummy out for a nice lunch... and you don't have a husband or partner to cook you that breakfast in bed or buy you some jewellery...

Don't worry! It's another mirage offered up by advertising that, for the most part, doesn't exist, and it's a bad idea to try and live up to it. That's when I start to feel sorry for myself, and I hate that...

When Sam can make me a card, that will be great. He gave me a daisy the other day- and told me he loved me- what more could I ask for from my son?

There are plenty of us who are doing our best on our own to provide for our kids and be good mums. There are mothers today who are working, or looking after sick and disabled kids, who are struggling with debts, who are homeless, who may have noone to acknowledge they are doing a fine job.

To all of them I salute you - HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

My garden is full of wild violets, apparently sacred to Cybele...Goddess Mother of Mothers...

Love, Love, Love

Friday, 1 April 2011

Six Years Ago Today

What an April Fool I felt as my Dad drove me and the few possessions that hadn't been put in storage back to London. Heartbroken and leaving my home, work, friends and life as well as my failed marriage and my dreams in Bristol, a city I had taken to my heart and did not expect to leave.

Six years later I am about to finish my degree in creative writing and journalism, just about to get my first poem in print, and accepted to do an MA next year. I got to spend precious time with my Mum before she died. I made a radio series on shoes for Resonance FM. I got to hang out with my best friend again.

Most importantly I had Sam and became a mother. I got to be me on my own terms, and I am back living near, if not quite in my beloved Smoke.

I have made some great new friends, stayed in contact with some old ones and gradually forgiven myself for what happened, let go and moved on.

Sam and I spent this afternoon hanging out together in London and having fun...long may it continue...

Love, Love, Love xxx