Monday, 19 April 2010

Note to Self

Time is not linear. The clock goes round and round and we are always in a different place in our lives when it stops at midday or midnight. Even if we are in the same job, same bed, same relationship. Plenty of people live on past successes, live in past dreams, hopes and fears, or continually worry about what might happen next. I know I have been guilty of this. But I try to live in the present moment because that is the point where change is possible, where dreams and hopes can be realised. Where we can be ourselves.

I've had a big shake up in the last few weeks, a reminder of how much things do change. I spent most of Easter on my own with Sam which I found very difficult. It has made me face up to the changes that continue to happen in the way my family works, as a result of the wider ripples caused by Mum dying.
I crashed and feel like I have been in mourning again. Now though, Sam and I are free to celebrate and make our own meaning for these times (Buddha is now inextricably part of Easter, along with the Bunny). Family are around but in different ways. Mums are glue. My family came unstuck but we are gradually finding new ways of being.

Whenever the past pops up I find myself in the dangerous position of comparing myself to what could or, part of me feels, should have been. I end up feeling like a failure and questioning my abilities as a parent. I need to let go of this once and for all.

I've been weighing all of this up in the last week, which really has been an emotional rollercoaster.

But one thing is for sure. I am a good mum to Sam, not perfect but doing my best. I don't have a big plan for Sam apart from to teach him how to look after himself, care about himself and be tolerant, loving and compassionate towards others. I want him to have the confidence to be himself and have a go at whatever it is he is interested in, in the knowledge that I will be there to encourage him and support him.

He is happy, healthy, funny, polite, considerate, articulate and affectionate. To be sure he is also a mischievous two-year-old who will sometimes push my boundaries til I pull my hair out but that is normal.

As I head towards 40 I realise that more than anything else I crave peace and contentment. I seem to get that by being with my son and my friends, by writing poetry and by gardening.

I am in a mess with studying and have a mountain of work to do. I am not sure I will get it all done but I am now about to get on with it.

I have been re-reading passages of 'Buddhism for Mothers' and it is infintely quoteable. Here's one:

"Real love provides space and freedom for our friends and family to be themselves."

That is what I am trying to do for Sam - provide him with the space to find out who he is and let him enjoy being himself.

And I need to do it for me as well.

Love, Love, Love xxx

Saturday, 3 April 2010

Stop! Carry On

I am on Easter hols from uni and although I am still up to my ears in work I have made myself stop and take a break from it. I'm still writing poetry. It's impossible to stop doing that, even if it's one line or an idea for a poem.
Tiles on a shop front, Grays Inn Road, London
It has been a relief and a worry to stop. I have no idea how I will find the time to complete all my assignments and get the marks I need but somehow it must be done! My brain needed a breather and I needed to think about other things like planning activities with Sam, paperwork, the garden, and of course some Spring cleaning.

It's been good to stop and reflect on where I am and think about where I want to be next. But not too much. From today I am back on with the studying as well as everything else. I've tried to write about the past this week but I keep deleting what I write. It's fuel for poetry these days. It is done.

Poetry is a great medium for opening up a Pandora's Box of feelings, ideas, insights, observations and taboos, and continues to challenge and inspire me every day.

Love, Love, Love xxx