The terrible puns continue- please indulge me for now...
In my four-ish years of blogging I have written about shoes, poetry, planting a vegetable garden, eczema, bees, sleep, being a single parent and all manner of other subjects, and why not? My life has always been reflected in my writing so my interests and experiences collide to a greater of lesser extent.
Writing has been my major focus, apart from Sam, since starting at university. I have always written and used this as a way of sorting through feelings, thoughts and dilemmas. So I shall carry this on and write about what is happening in my life now and what will happen following my diagnosis.
I managed to get in the car with Sam on Friday and drive down to Bristol to stay with friends, as had been planned for ages. It was either that and stay at home on my own with Sam again for another weekend, and we both needed a break, some fun, and I need some support at the moment.
And we have got what we needed this weekend. My old friends from Bristol, where I lived years ago, have been wonderful. Taking Sam out to see the SS Great Britain yesterday which he LOVED, and today to help friends pick out a dog and then to a pub for a lunch.
This has given me a chance to rest, think and just 'be' and have some space.
I am up and down, one minute emotional and full of fear and blaming myself. The next minute thinking positively and pragmatically.
I expect this seesaw-ing of feelings and moods to continue for a little while and, as I am only human, I am going to let those feelings out as they come, and then let them go and get back to looking forward.
There are lifestyle changes to be made and priorities to be considered.
This is an opportunity to make positive changes. As my good friend Kat says," You are the captain of your ship" and I think I know whiich way I am going to steer it.
But for now I am in dry dock, getting repairs, and looking at maps.
Love, Love, Love
xxx
Sunday, 28 November 2010
Thursday, 25 November 2010
All about M.E
I have just been diagnosed with post viral fatigue syndrome, also known as chronic fatigue syndrome or myalgic encephalomyelitis or M.E.
I am in shock really and trying to do everything possible to put stuff in place to give myself a break and take the pressure off. I haven't been well since September and the diagnosis and signing off from the doc yesterday was a relief as well as a shock.
So, how as a single parent without much of a support network (although where it exists it is wonderful and so appreciated) and half-way through my final year of my degree I have to ask myself- how do I get through this?
Day by day and one step at a time. Sam is my priority and there is no doubt that me being poorly over the last couple of months has affected him. I need to stay well to make sure he is ok.
This is just some thoughts really- not a well thought out blog post. I hope that with rest and some more lifestyle changes and a good look at my priorities I will be able to get better and stay better. The last few years have been some of my healthiest so this is a quite a blow.
I want to be able to take Sam swimming again and have enough energy to go out on my bike and dig my veg patch. Can't do any of these just at the moment.
Love, Love , Love xxx
I am in shock really and trying to do everything possible to put stuff in place to give myself a break and take the pressure off. I haven't been well since September and the diagnosis and signing off from the doc yesterday was a relief as well as a shock.
So, how as a single parent without much of a support network (although where it exists it is wonderful and so appreciated) and half-way through my final year of my degree I have to ask myself- how do I get through this?
Day by day and one step at a time. Sam is my priority and there is no doubt that me being poorly over the last couple of months has affected him. I need to stay well to make sure he is ok.
This is just some thoughts really- not a well thought out blog post. I hope that with rest and some more lifestyle changes and a good look at my priorities I will be able to get better and stay better. The last few years have been some of my healthiest so this is a quite a blow.
I want to be able to take Sam swimming again and have enough energy to go out on my bike and dig my veg patch. Can't do any of these just at the moment.
Love, Love , Love xxx
Thursday, 18 November 2010
Kitchen, Kip and Kids
Day four in the house without a kitchen. Day four of a total of three weeks and there are four plasterers getting to work for a second day on the concrete box that was our kitchen. It will be worth it but at the moment we are living higgledy-piggledy out of a chaotic dining room and feasting on a range of microwaveable food. It’s an adventure...
Respite from this came when I stayed at my best friend’s house the other night. We went out for dinner and to see a film for her birthday- meat platter at Bodeans followed by The Social Network and half a bag of jelly babies...and then a taxi back to hers and a hot water bottle encased in a fluffy pig cover, a dark room, silence and sleep...blessed, uninterrupted sleep for nearly seven hours.
The sleep deprivation for me continues apace. Not every night but most I am woken up by a small person requiring a nappy change or reassurance that the monsters in his room won’t get him. This is all fine in theory but I seem to be lurching from one bout of exhaustion and fluey illness to the next. Add in the workload of the final year of my degree, visiting prospective schools for Sam for next year, and now no kitchen and I am really struggling.
The bus journey home from my friend’s house yesterday morning was full of kids on their way to school. Normally I have my head firmly in a book or newspaper, and this was no different yesterday, but then I could hear the sound of ‘Automatic’ by the Pointer Sisters drifting up towards the end of the bus where I sat. Looking down the bus, trying to work out where it was coming from, I spied two boys aged about 12, sharing a set of headphones and actually singing along to this eighties classic...Aw! ...quite innocently enjoying a good tune, no gangsta rap in sight. The kids (of today) are alright.
I try and go out once every few weeks for a grown up night out, by myself to a gig or poetry reading, or for dinner and a film with friends. Although I have too much studying and not enough hours in the day to get it all done, on top of chronic sleep deprivation and the normal extra stuff that comes with being a single parent, a night out is pretty important. Add in a good night’s sleep and it really is better than going clubbing used to be...oh yes, categorically, no contest.
The fluffy pig left a deep impression on me- not literally- that would have to be the other way round-and I found myself in Boots yesterday afternoon buying a fluffy hot water bottle cover. I am converted...a fluffy warm lump at the end of the bed to warm my toes on as I go to sleep is blissful. I wish it could be a cat but allergy prevents this- at least I am guaranteed it won’t suddenly decide to go elsewhere.
Thursday, 28 October 2010
The work is the work - Save Our Forests
"...Being discovered is not the work...
the work is the work.
Ever and ever.
Promise..."
The above is a quote from the poem " Advice to The Outsider" from The Dangerous Old Woman by Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Dr Estes is probably best known as the author of the life-changing Women Who Run With The Wolves.
It is a poem asking us to be tenacious "like the blessed yew tree" and "remember your treasure" becuase we never know when it will be needed and "when our gifts will be discovered".
This is about honing skills and being focussed on the work we are called to do, to do it to the best of our ability- not to worry about what anyone else thinks- to be true to our own path.
I came across this poem on facebook and added a comment to the burgeoning number of comments already left by women expressing their thanks for this wisdom:
"The work is the work- thank you- in the UK they are threatening to sell off our national forests to private developers- the fight against this is now part of my work..."
They, the coalition government, want to sell off a large proportion of Forestry Commission land to private investors. Caroline Spelman from DEFRA will be making an announcement outlining the exact nature of these plans shortly. Apparently there will be no sell-off in Wales or Scotland- so it's us English who stand to lose...
After the stories in the press at the weekend there is now a 20,000 signature and counting petition (which you can sign here)an ever-growing group on facebook (which you can join here) and now...silence, while people wait and think of how best to protest and campaign against this.
I am still unable to articulate properly how deeply I feel about this- almost tongue-tied. IT CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN. For so many reasons, including most importantly the environmental repercussions.This is OUR forest to keep. NOT theirs to sell. How dare they?!
This is about our natural habitat, our natural heritage, our freedom to roam, our future generation's right to have all of this...there are other deeper reasons which I will attempt to write about when I am able to...but anyone who knows about the deep green woods, who cares about dreams, who understands myths, who thinks about a nation's psyche...its freedom...its soul will wonder what will happen if our trees are cut down, the land is turned over for property development...golf courses...centre parc style holiday resorts...
"The work is the work"
My work is to be Sam's mum, finish my degree, keep writing and now to do something to stop our ancient forests from being sold off.
A quote from Women Who Run With The Wolves:
"There is much afoot at any given time that can make a shambles of spirit and soul by attempting to destroy intent, or by pressuring one to forget the important questions: Questions such as, not only what are the pragmatics of a situation, but also "where is the soul in this matter?" One proceeds in life, gains ground, reverses injustice, and stands against the winds, through strength of spirit."
Standing against the winds like that old yew tree...full of treasure.
LOVE
xxx
the work is the work.
Ever and ever.
Promise..."
The above is a quote from the poem " Advice to The Outsider" from The Dangerous Old Woman by Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Dr Estes is probably best known as the author of the life-changing Women Who Run With The Wolves.
It is a poem asking us to be tenacious "like the blessed yew tree" and "remember your treasure" becuase we never know when it will be needed and "when our gifts will be discovered".
This is about honing skills and being focussed on the work we are called to do, to do it to the best of our ability- not to worry about what anyone else thinks- to be true to our own path.
I came across this poem on facebook and added a comment to the burgeoning number of comments already left by women expressing their thanks for this wisdom:
"The work is the work- thank you- in the UK they are threatening to sell off our national forests to private developers- the fight against this is now part of my work..."
They, the coalition government, want to sell off a large proportion of Forestry Commission land to private investors. Caroline Spelman from DEFRA will be making an announcement outlining the exact nature of these plans shortly. Apparently there will be no sell-off in Wales or Scotland- so it's us English who stand to lose...
After the stories in the press at the weekend there is now a 20,000 signature and counting petition (which you can sign here)an ever-growing group on facebook (which you can join here) and now...silence, while people wait and think of how best to protest and campaign against this.
I am still unable to articulate properly how deeply I feel about this- almost tongue-tied. IT CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN. For so many reasons, including most importantly the environmental repercussions.This is OUR forest to keep. NOT theirs to sell. How dare they?!
This is about our natural habitat, our natural heritage, our freedom to roam, our future generation's right to have all of this...there are other deeper reasons which I will attempt to write about when I am able to...but anyone who knows about the deep green woods, who cares about dreams, who understands myths, who thinks about a nation's psyche...its freedom...its soul will wonder what will happen if our trees are cut down, the land is turned over for property development...golf courses...centre parc style holiday resorts...
"The work is the work"
My work is to be Sam's mum, finish my degree, keep writing and now to do something to stop our ancient forests from being sold off.
A quote from Women Who Run With The Wolves:
"There is much afoot at any given time that can make a shambles of spirit and soul by attempting to destroy intent, or by pressuring one to forget the important questions: Questions such as, not only what are the pragmatics of a situation, but also "where is the soul in this matter?" One proceeds in life, gains ground, reverses injustice, and stands against the winds, through strength of spirit."
Standing against the winds like that old yew tree...full of treasure.
LOVE
xxx
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Threads for weaving
Persuading you to put on trousers this morning, even though you didn't really believe "surfers wear them at this time of the year too, y'know..."
Day 4 of feeling so poorly I can't do anything except tap and click on my lap top and read.
So thankful my Dad has been around to help with Sam.
Starting to feel inspired to write now that my brain has had a chance to rest and think because the whirling dervish who normally transports it has had final warning from her body that she needs to rest and get well.
Still buzzing.
Furious at the Comprehensive spending review and feeling more and more lucky instead of desperate about my current situation, and trying not to fear the future.
Disappointed that I am not performing poetry tonight as planned.
Needing some community, as ever.
Wondering if I can still plant bulbs in the front garden now there has been a thick frost?
Loving the Plum Village web site : "Breathe, you are online"
Looking for peace.
Striving to be a good mum.
Living in the moment and practising mindfulness.
Thinking about the Tor.
Wishing I was better with words.
Leaving the bags at the gate and running up the hill feeling free.
The veil is thin...Let Go
Love, Love, Love xxx
Day 4 of feeling so poorly I can't do anything except tap and click on my lap top and read.
So thankful my Dad has been around to help with Sam.
Starting to feel inspired to write now that my brain has had a chance to rest and think because the whirling dervish who normally transports it has had final warning from her body that she needs to rest and get well.
Still buzzing.
Furious at the Comprehensive spending review and feeling more and more lucky instead of desperate about my current situation, and trying not to fear the future.
Disappointed that I am not performing poetry tonight as planned.
Needing some community, as ever.
Wondering if I can still plant bulbs in the front garden now there has been a thick frost?
Loving the Plum Village web site : "Breathe, you are online"
Looking for peace.
Striving to be a good mum.
Living in the moment and practising mindfulness.
Thinking about the Tor.
Wishing I was better with words.
Leaving the bags at the gate and running up the hill feeling free.
The veil is thin...Let Go
Love, Love, Love xxx
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Are You Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Yesterday I spent the afternoon in Richmond. I have been reading Virginia Woolf's a Sketch of the Past, from the book Moments of Being, a collection of her auobiographical writings. This is the second time I have tried to read Woolf, and as it is one of the set texts for a module I'm studying as part of my degree, I knew this time I would have to persevere. But until the last few days I have been looking at it as a mountain to climb- one that I was hopeful of appreciating the view, once I reached the top.
I've just drafted a review of this piece of writing, which does not come near to doing it justice. I never got 'it' before, with Virginia Woolf, never watched that film with Nicole Kidman, gave up reading Mrs Dalloway after three attempts. Decided it wasn't for me.
I will find the tiniest reason to go to Richmond as it is. I lived there for several years as a child and it is overlaid with memories which stretch right up to last week when I had a stroll along the river and visited Ham House gardens for the first time in over 30 years.
My reason for going yesterday was ostensibly to sit and read Woolf 'in situ'. Just an excuse really but I've known for ages that she started the Hogarth Press there with her husband Leonard, where TS Eliot's The Wasteland was first published. She lived there from 1915 to 1924. So I went and stood outside Hogarth House and tried to imagine it without the brutalist architecture nearby, and to tried to guess which route Woolf would have favoured to get to the river or the Green.
Her writing, once you get into the clause-ridden and heavily punctuated sentences (which become quite addictive to read after a while) is astonishing in its clarity and depth. The intensity with which she evokes her childhood in all its facets is unlike anything I've encountered before. Powerful stuff and deeply moving. I will definitely read more.
Worth the climb.
I've just drafted a review of this piece of writing, which does not come near to doing it justice. I never got 'it' before, with Virginia Woolf, never watched that film with Nicole Kidman, gave up reading Mrs Dalloway after three attempts. Decided it wasn't for me.
I will find the tiniest reason to go to Richmond as it is. I lived there for several years as a child and it is overlaid with memories which stretch right up to last week when I had a stroll along the river and visited Ham House gardens for the first time in over 30 years.
My reason for going yesterday was ostensibly to sit and read Woolf 'in situ'. Just an excuse really but I've known for ages that she started the Hogarth Press there with her husband Leonard, where TS Eliot's The Wasteland was first published. She lived there from 1915 to 1924. So I went and stood outside Hogarth House and tried to imagine it without the brutalist architecture nearby, and to tried to guess which route Woolf would have favoured to get to the river or the Green.
Her writing, once you get into the clause-ridden and heavily punctuated sentences (which become quite addictive to read after a while) is astonishing in its clarity and depth. The intensity with which she evokes her childhood in all its facets is unlike anything I've encountered before. Powerful stuff and deeply moving. I will definitely read more.
Worth the climb.
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Writer's Block?
I'm not sure why I haven't been writing. I have been extraordinarily busy but that hasn't stopped me before. I've been thinking about writing a lot but not doing it.
I'm not short of ideas - quite the opposite. The two months since my last post have been crazy - full of new experiences, weekends away, celebrations and fun. Maybe I have been overwhelmed with it all. Maybe that is the answer.
I have been trying to get back to my daily practise of writing poetry and some kind of prose, jotting ideas down in my notebooks, and scrawling on anything resembling paper when inspiration strikes.
The final year of my degree has begun, and after the election in May, I am feeling very keenly that I have to make it count. Things are going to get very tough over the next few years, especially for single parents. My support network is limited and I am still 'homeless-at-home', living with my Dad. I have a renewed awareness of how lucky I am to have his support.
Writing is the way. I am convinced of it. How much blogging I am going to do this year is a mystery. But the block, if there was one, has gone. I am back and I am writing.
Love xxx
I'm not short of ideas - quite the opposite. The two months since my last post have been crazy - full of new experiences, weekends away, celebrations and fun. Maybe I have been overwhelmed with it all. Maybe that is the answer.
I have been trying to get back to my daily practise of writing poetry and some kind of prose, jotting ideas down in my notebooks, and scrawling on anything resembling paper when inspiration strikes.
The final year of my degree has begun, and after the election in May, I am feeling very keenly that I have to make it count. Things are going to get very tough over the next few years, especially for single parents. My support network is limited and I am still 'homeless-at-home', living with my Dad. I have a renewed awareness of how lucky I am to have his support.
Writing is the way. I am convinced of it. How much blogging I am going to do this year is a mystery. But the block, if there was one, has gone. I am back and I am writing.
Love xxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)