Six Years Ago Today

What an April Fool I felt as my Dad drove me and the few possessions that hadn't been put in storage back to London. Heartbroken and leaving my home, work, friends and life as well as my failed marriage and my dreams in Bristol, a city I had taken to my heart and did not expect to leave.

Six years later I am about to finish my degree in creative writing and journalism, just about to get my first poem in print, and accepted to do an MA next year. I got to spend precious time with my Mum before she died. I made a radio series on shoes for Resonance FM. I got to hang out with my best friend again.



Most importantly I had Sam and became a mother. I got to be me on my own terms, and I am back living near, if not quite in my beloved Smoke.

I have made some great new friends, stayed in contact with some old ones and gradually forgiven myself for what happened, let go and moved on.

Sam and I spent this afternoon hanging out together in London and having fun...long may it continue...



Love, Love, Love xxx

Stopping and resting

Stopping university and getting some rest has paid dividends. I have had a couple of days where I have been able to function fairly normally. I saw someone on Twitter describe having M.E as "having flu, a hangover and being burned from the inside all at the same time." I have been spared the burning but recognise the flu plus hangover description. It is horrible.

I find myself in the position of dreading something as simple as going to get some shopping. I mete out the precious energy it will take: get in the car and drive to x; park the car and walk to x; get shopping; pay for shopping; take bags back to car; get in car and drive home etc...it feels ridiculous. I have taken for granted (as we all do) my vitality and ability to get so much done in a day - too much. This all has to change.

I have no idea how I have been doing all that I have been doing. Studying as a full time undergraduate and being a full-time single parent is enough to make your head spin!

At the moment I am looking at ways to facilitate my recovery and make sure that I stay as well as possible so that I can be a fully-engaged mum to Sam and finish my degree. At the moment I am on for a first but whether this will remain possible I don't know and if not I will have to let it go. I can only do my best.

My best friend and her boyfriend have been absolutely fantastic. They've taken Sam swimming the last two saturdays and took him to help buy their Christmas tree last saturday as well. This has made a big difference to me, not having to do a whole weekend on my own and giving me a break.

It meant that on sunday I could drive us to the park, have a good walk and play a bit of football with Sam, and then meet some old friends in a nearby pub for lunch. I was exhausted by the end of the day but not so obliterated that I lost all sense of reason which is what has been happening.

There are so many things to fight for but the fight I must win is learning to stop and rest and get better. And then choose which battles...

Love, Love, Love xxx

Shoes

I have just updated my other blog: http://www.theshoeshow.blogspot.com/ for the first time in about two and a half years. I feel really good about this. The end of The Shoe Show coincided with a very difficult time for me personally and I was sad I couldn't make the second series. Now life has moved on and I am so glad I was able to make that show. It changed my life and is a big part of the reason I am now at university.

The shoe must go on! (Thanks to Amelia for gorgeous shoe photo)

Good Lovin'

I felt strangely untouched by Valentine's day this year. The second one I have experienced as a grown up single person. I can't even remember it last year but this year I have definitely thought about it a bit. Mainly because I haven't felt left out or hoped for an anonymous card or felt bitter or begrudged anyone else their celebration or quest for romance. And it does feel strange not to be touched by it. But I am glad to be on my own just now, without a significant other. I've got me and Sam and no energy to spare for a new love, although of course when the time comes and I am ready, I am trusting that the universe will provide me with someone ..heheh.
I've quite enjoyed watching the frantic card/bouquet/ingredients-for-special-meal/chocolates buying going on in Marks and Spencer etc. I've even had a bit of a reminisce about some of the lovely Valentines days of past years and loves that I have been lucky to have had.
I've been more interested in the history of Valentines day, most of which seems to stem from the Roman pagan festival of Lupercalia, celebrated on the 15th February. Thanks to http://www.witchology.com/contents/february/valentines_static.php which has some great information on this and to the National Geographic Web site as well. Originally a pagan festival of purification and fertility, and where the month of February gets its name. It is held at the very time of year when the earth is stirring, birds are starting to nest and the first buds are seen on the trees. A time of getting ready for what is to come and what is wanted. Abundance and Creativity.

And on Valentines day this year I thought I love my life.

Get Ready
Get Set
Go Go Go!

With love